my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
