just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
