Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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