So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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