I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
