His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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