He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
