she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
