I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
