dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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