Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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