6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize