I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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