He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
