Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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