dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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