Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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