I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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