Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
