gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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