I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
