piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize