she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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