I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
