drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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