hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
