Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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