Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
