If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
