Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
