I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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