so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i dont even know how to be here
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
