I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
