can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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