Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
