It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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