Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
