Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
