Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
