Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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