I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
