A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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