I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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