CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
