I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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