i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
