i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
