Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
