My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
