omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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