singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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