some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
this beer tastes like vomit already
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
