Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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