I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
