Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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